[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
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ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.