[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
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*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
the prophecies have been fulfilled
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
IT’S-A ME,
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
My dog learned how to text
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!