[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
You Might Also Like
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
#Caturday
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?