[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
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Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting