[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
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I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire