Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
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Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
*watches the world burn*
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
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Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
i’m sure it’s fine
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE