Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
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I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home