Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.
They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”
Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
