[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
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[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !