[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
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Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Grow up never but we old may grow we
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?