[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
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My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
mathematically impossible
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%