[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
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Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Meme Monday.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?