[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
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My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
what
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
More like Kate Missington.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.