Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
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Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”