Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
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The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
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[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
#DesignFail
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Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”
8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
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[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”