[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
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*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
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My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place