Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start
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Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Lmaoo 😂
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”