Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
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Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.