[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
You Might Also Like
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*