Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
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I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?