[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
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I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
*exercises sarcastically*
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Covid like
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.