[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
You Might Also Like
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Jogging
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.