[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
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Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
#oldknees
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!