[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
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*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
This week’s mood.