[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
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Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Kids, do not try this at home!
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
The funk soul brother
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.