[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
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Tuesday
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.