[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
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older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”