[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
You Might Also Like
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*