[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
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I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
a lot to unpack here
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?