[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
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Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet