[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
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MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Social distancing in Australia:
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another