[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
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me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
That seems a conundrum…
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?
No mate, a landline 🙄
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhrist
A.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”