[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
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Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
pep talk
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Sticker placement is key.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
mariah carrie
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.