*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
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I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Not even remotely sorry.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.