[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
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not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth