[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
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an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]