[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
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if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
What even happened today?