[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
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In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
I have many caverns
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.