[inventing vampire weaknesses]

writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night

writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?

writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!

writer 2: we’re crushing this

[5 hours later]

writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside

writer 2: garlic

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This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.


I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.

ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…


I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”


The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.


I like to finish other people’s sentences because

my version is better.


As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”


ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!

METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?


normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”


As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.