[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
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Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
You can’t rush stupid.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
79.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.