inventing words: clothing
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If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Yup
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)