[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
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Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO