[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
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Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
these two trucks have the same bed length
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this