[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
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Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Lucky old June.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.