[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
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You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.