[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
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Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.