invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
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latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”