[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
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If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
men are simple creatures
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
I’m not stressed
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
My life in a nutshell
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”