@roastmalone_ got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
@TheToddWilliams [Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
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@roastmalone_ 
@KentWGraham Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
@T_Bonezzz_ How do German people not choke to death when they talk
@slyoung5 Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
@MaverickGames Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
@DartsBofficial My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
@AndyAsAdjective Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
@noog I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
@onion_an [on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
@SoLongStephen First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.