[Invention of Tennis]

“…and you just try to hit it back to me”

Wow, that’s really simple

“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”

For sure that’s the best part about it

“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”

Exactly! No weird stuff


So how do you keep score?

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got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff


Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.


Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.


Ke$ha in different currencies:
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd


My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.


Truth or dare?
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
-Put on this ALF costume.


I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.


[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]

Date: What’s your favourite meal?

Me: Poop

Date: What?

Me: SOUP, I like eating soup


First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.