[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
You Might Also Like
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
men are simple creatures
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
bro what is going on at twitter
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now