{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
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An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
The news
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Hello Twits.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?