(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
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I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Two types of dogs.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.