Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
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Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!