INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
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I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Not all heroes wear capes….
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.